CRYING AT THE MOVIES
Yesterday I was watching a movie and there was a part in the movie where the main character watches his mother die and get her head chopped off. Then he watches the decapitated head get put into a furnace, which evaporates most of the flesh until there is nothing left but a skill. He peels off the remaining flesh and hair then adds his mom’s skull to the top of a skull sculpture like it's a star on a christmas tree. The scene was emotional. There was a montage of great moments he shared with his mom. I heard people behind me sniffling, probably thinking about what if that was their mother and they had to decorate the feng shui of a room using her bones. I kinda couldn’t get myself to cry though. I was pushing and pushing trying to take part in the communal crying experience, but all I could do was fart. Today I was looking into the science behind why people cry. Biologically it is a way to relieve pent up tension and force your body to release endorphins that lower the body’s stress levels. Learning this pissed me off for a couple reasons. I know people who will cry when they run out of bagels or when they're running low on gas or their cat dies. And I’ve always thought they were just pining for attention, but now I know they’re getting high off of it as well. Pushing their body to release good feeling hormones like a fucking junkie. Forcing their body to make oxytocin, which I’m pretty sure I took when I got my wisdom teeth out and LOVED it! On top of this it made me think why do I never have pent up tensions? This movie had so much depth in the relationship between the mother and son, I thought I was in the forest with them. So when the violins started playing and she was fried to a crisp, why did I watch it like it was just another episode of New Girl. I think I’m broken and my emotional meter is stuck on something like a quarter I swallowed years ago. It does affect my day to day life as well. Whenever I get a call from a friend and they need someone to lean on because they are suffering from a flood, I stay pretty quiet on the phone while they run me through their problems. And if it starts taking too long I might play some subway surfers on a different tab. A way I can get better at crying when the situation calls for it, like for an audition for a sad girl with problems in an upcoming movie, I could overwhelm myself with sad situations in my head and force myself into feeling my life is falling into bits. Like while I'm giving my monologue about cheese fries at the audition, secretly I’m picturing myself sleeping outside. I’m thinking about that one time my new sweater from Dillards got snagged on a nail. I’m thinking about my mom going to jail because she was framed for my crime because I planted all the evidence on her. WHY!! Why am I forced to sleep outside in this cruel world when it's cold and raining and I’m trying to sleep outside but they're tearing my mom’s old house down for a highrise and the noise from the construction is keeping me up and all I have left is my ruined sweater from Dillards!! WHY!?!?!
Later
I am able to breathe again. Even thinking about the situation I was writing about earlier, which I will not talk about any more because my laptop can’t handle any more water damage, sent me spiraling. It is kinda a good thing though, because I learned more about the fact that everybody cries for different reasons. Each is as valid as the next and let's keep it to ourselves. Crying is kinda like dreams. Whatever happened is a lot more interesting to you then anyone else. And we can’t be doing it all the time because no one will like you. It’s like taking the last piece of pizza after you already had 3 slices. I think you probably had enough and everyone around you is going to be mad once pepperoni burps begin to fill the room. It’s the same when someone is at a party and they’re in the corner dreaming the whole time. Everyone is going to be mad soon because when you wake up you’re going to tell everyone about this journey you just went on and we’re all stuck at this party with a guy who keeps burping pepperoni. It’s the same when someone is crying. I get that we’re at a party and it stinks because that guy keeps burping pepperoni, but we’re all in the same boat and nobody else is crying except for you and the guy that keeps dreaming because he just had a dream his mom was decapitated and he had to decorate his living room with her left over bones. Right?
