If you were to offer me a million dollars just to cry at the movies during a scene where things are no longer the why they once seemed, I would have the same amount of money I have now. If you see me crying, you’re probably just confusing me with Megan Fox, but it’s ok because everyone does that.

I’m reading this new book and its making me a better person, but I also really want to blow shit up. All of this to say I might run for office. I want to make laws that keep people safe, but also allow us to blow up people’s homes to make room for a new baby GAP!!! SO cute!!!

Today I wore a gown with a train made from silk warms and Guatemalan children’s blood. Then I got out of my pajamas and actually got dressed for the day. What are you wearing? That’s what I thought.

Why do I always want to buy the things in line when I’m there about to check out? This candle smells like maple syrup! I love maple syrup! and it’s the colors of America! I love America too! Or do you!? Where does capitalism comes from. Well obviously it’s pancakes!

Thinking about my relationship with with money and why my dad has so much of it and I have so little even when I am always working and he is always playing golf. I’m gonna lock myself in a trunk and see if anyone notices.

When everyone dies and the Earth has no more humans, will there be Madonna? This guy at work stinks. Don’t talk to me about important things if you stink because I will actively hate the cause even if it’s really important.

Once up on a time I had a bed wetting problem and fear of getting a job as a bagger at a grocery store. Both of these things ruined my life and were amplified by dragons and pedophilia. God damn it things always seem to mess up for me!

One of the most polarizing issues is people’s weight and the food they put in their body. I’m going to tackle the issue while making fun of the fatties and the stick figures with bad breath and I’m gonna do it so I can save the world.

I have very high expectations if I am going to let you inside of me. First off, you have to be breathing. And with that tall request I’m still going to try to have sex with someone this summer because that is what the government is asking of me and I LOVE the government.

Today I realized I can’t do this anymore. It has been such a hard decision to make, but once I started writing this blog I realized I have gift and making blog posts is not what this is. These are masterpiece. Words whispered to me from Jerusalem!

This is what it means to shit all over someone and make sure they will never even think about raping you. You can also spit their cumin their eyes and act like a baboon. Sexy is back, girls!

People die sometimes and its up to you to make sure that the reason they died was not your fault. Can you give someone cancer? Do gift cards to Sephora help!? UGHHH

Today I was working and someone kept asking me to do their dirty work. I am not going to RSVP to your party- OH NO! I’m becoming my mom. I should fly away…

I brush my teeth most days, but what would happen if I didn’t have to? Maybe I would make more collages! The only ironic thing is we will never know…. RIGHT?

I’m trying out new forms of public transportation in the city. I don’t know if its my great smile, but it seems like everyone is trying to kill me!

Talk show host used to all be gay, right!? And they used to have on so many gay people, correct!? Then why do people keep peeing on the bus???

What happens when ready made red beans and rice, crazy moms and real estate come together?

I tried to start a roofing company in my imagination and I died before I could even finish my first roof. AI has to hurry up cuz I’m tired of this place already!