Do I tell mom who I want to pleasure me?

I live with my mom and today is her birthday so she's bringing home some cake from work. I like living at home because of the treats and we have fish and stuff but really I have dreams of sneaking off one day and getting my own place with my own fishes. I’m mom’s favorite girl so I know if I left her one day she would die on the laundry floor with my sparkly sheets in her hands. So I’m not gonna tell her that I think about it sometimes. Or what I did to her Christmas candles the day she brought me roller skates or what happened to one of the fishes when my friend came over to play and she wanted to pet Red, the yellow fish. Or that a bird is living on our roof and flies into our attic sometimes, or that I have a cross bow that I found in a bush behind our house. Tonight when mom comes home and we watch her crime show to celebrate her birthday, I am going to tell her something about myself that I haven’t ever told anyone before. I’ve thought about what I’m gonna tell her a lot because I don’t have a job and I mostly stay home guard mom’s rice cakes from the birds in the attic, but I have been thinking so much about it that my forehead has stretch marks from all the space the thinking is taking up. I’m gay. Just like Ellen. I am gay. I like women. And women on women things like shame and self hatred. So I want to start going to school and taking computer classes or at least go climb big rock walls so I can maybe meet someone who thinks like me and gets excited every time she sees a sharp corner about as tall as the zipper on my pants. 

The first time I had a secret was when I had a friend over at my house and we watched my mom’s wedding video. Her gown was so beautiful so it was such a shame she had to be the one to wear it. I felt really bad for the seams in the dress. They looked like the beginning of an earthquake, or a glass of water, a drop away from spilling over. But nobody seemed concerned for the seams in her dress or about the fact that she was pregnant. Everyone’s attention was given to the groom who was wearing an orange jumpsuit and holding a knife. He was so handsome. I couldn’t help but watch in awe as he flicked his long hair out of his face, showing off his tear drop tattoos. Why do you cry, beautiful orange man? When my mom came home that day she had mason jars full of homemade strawberry jelly, but once she saw what we were watching the jars fell to the floor, shattering and splattering jelly all over the room. Some got in my mouth. It was very tasty. Some of the glass got in my mouth too.  I started bleeding. I think some glass got into my mom’s mouth too because she started crying. Then she started screaming. Then she started kicking the furniture, which was very inexpensive and was already broken. It’s like she didn’t have control as she threw her shoes around and walked all over the glass. I was locked in my room that night and my friend had to go home. I knew I wasn’t allowed to watch that video because my mom always told me not to, but my mom melts chocolate bars and makes chocolate soup every night even after the doctor told her about her A1C. Life is much more fun when we do what we ought not to do. So I’m gonna be gay. I’m not sure about who I am going to do it with, but I know that if mommy loves her good girl she's going to let me be who I think I am. 

There are so many great stories in the bible. I think right now mom is only reading me the boring ones so we can eventually get to the good stuff later. But in all the stories that she has shown me so far, it says that God loves us regardless. When we mess up we can ask for forgiveness and pray for heaven. Like anytime we drive past the satanists with the rainbow flags, mom assures me that we will pray for them to get on the right path. I know telling my mom this news will only bring me closer to the right path and I hope that one day I can find my own person with an orange jumpsuit, but this time they won’t leave. An orange jumpsuit girl who will stay by my side so me, her, my mom and a whole lot of fishes will never have to ever use that cross bow that I found in the bushes once behind our house.