where is ugly? no, you wear ugly.

Today’s standards of beauty are forever fascinating and an ever appetizing topic of discussion when around friends and family. I was recently with a couple friends  at a taco place and one of the said friends was wearing what can only be described as trailer park cracker chic. It was a t-shirt that had spent the last 3 years supporting several colonies of moths and shorts that had once made a TV appearance on The Biggest Loser. I even complimented her saying, “It’s so great that today fashion is at a place where we can wear things like that and nobody questions it”. She looked so deeply into my eyes that she definitely saw every time I looked down at her taco. I couldn't tell if she was gonna finish it or not. She goes “I barely got out of bed today. My boyfriend broke up with me last night”. Anybody would feel bad about accidentally telling a friend she is dressed horribly after she just got broken up with by her boyfriend. Not me. If I’m backed in a corner I can turn up the heat and swirl things up so that you’re the one in the corner and I am the one in a wide open space kicking my legs up like the Rockettes. So she's going on and on with her boring story about her boyfriend breaking up with her. Everyone is about to fall asleep, but I say “I get it. I was at the DMV once for 6 hours to get a new birth certificate because I accidentally made it into a paper snowflake last winter time. I was there for what felt like an eternity just to find out, you can get a new birth certificate online.”  Everyone’s jaw dropped when I said this. I even heard gasps from other tables. I would have had the same reaction. These bits of information should be common knowledge but so many of us are left in the dark about the fact that you don't have to go to the DMV for a new birth certificate. I took in their shocked expressions, stood up to accept their applause, took my friend's taco and finished it while in line to complement the cashier’s avant garde taco shirt splatter painted with guacamole. I think my keen eye for fashion came from my grandmother. She always reminded me to never leave the house without earrings. That’s probably what all those uglies from taco lunch were missing. One afternoon I was with my grandma asking her all about the different situations for earrings. I asked: “What happens when you leave the house and forget to put in earrings?” She replied that she turns around and gets earrings. I applied more pressure to the situation. “What happens if I’m in the hospital suddenly dying and you are the only one who can come and give me the blood transfusion, and you arrive at the parking garage of the hospital, but it’s bug season and one lands on your ear, but when you go to itch your ear your earring comes loose and falls into a nearby well. Would you care that you wouldn’t have an earring on during the transfusion?” She said first she would look at how deep the well was and if it was too deep she would go back home to get new earrings. Even though there are infinite hypothetical situations where I die as a result of my grandma’s love for earrings, I can’t help but commend her. Earrings is an Olympic sport to my grandma, something she will never finish training for. Even as her flesh decays in the ground, she will be wearing earrings  made from an undecaying material. So when I see bitches wearing t-shirts and sweatpants day in and day out like it's about to go out of style, I question why it was ever in style in the first place. The people that came before us, like my grandma, have hypothetically sacrificed so many of their loved ones just in an attempt to look presentable in public, with hunks of metal dangling from their ears. Why is nobody trying to think of the next “earrings”? What about bringing back crowns or chest plates. Walking through airport security like it’s a competition to see how much metal each person can bring. I’m not saying I’m the only one that’s pretty and beautiful and stunning. But I’m saying I could be in the top 5 based on the talent I saw recently at the soup kitchen I was volunteering at. Skip the elevator people, cause it time to step it up!