RED BEANS AND PANIC ATTACK
Today I continue to reel from the panic attack from yesterday and the red beans and rice that had a complete disregard for my bowels. With each passing blow of gas exiting my rectum I physically smelL the little hope I have left floating up then into my nasal passageways. My pounding headache I want very badly to pass on to my mother, who was the cause of my panic attack. Before I use that word “panic attack” one more time I want to emphasize a lot that I did not have a panic attack. I was just crying on and off for the bulk of the day and at one point I grabbed the ledge from my desk and squeezed it so hard until the veins in my head bulged out like they wanted to finally see the outside world. The outside world is not all it’s cracked out to be. I was on the phone with my mom telling her that I am committed to becoming a real estate agent in Illinois. This was before I had learned about the intricacies of passing the real estate exam. Needless to say, my mother fully doubted my ability to see the real estate learning process through to the end. She was and continues to be right on the money, which made me begin to crumble because I had to go back to my hourly wage job the next day knowing my mom was right and I would probably never be a real estate agent and my mom has no faith in any of my potential career prospects, which is probably wise because I have no potential career prospects, especially now that real estate agent is off the short/nonexistent list- But! Two things can be true at the same time. I can still be 23 years old with perky titties and a positive outlook on why the sun rises and sets each day. I try to put a smile on the train conductor's face as I wave around my arms like a windmill as they enter the station to pick me up to take me to the convenience store. I think the sun rises also so I can absorb those rays and be tanned for when I go to Barcelona one day. I heard the food is only ok, so if I’m gonna be the best thing to eat there I might as well look my best. Mother is right about some things, but I am inevitably in control of my future. So as long as I am breathing air, there is no reason I shouldn’t continue to dream about where life could take me, real estate license or not. So now that I have a lot more free time since I won’t be studying for the Illinois real estate exam, I will continue to forge unstable relationships with the train conductors so that maybe one day they can finally take me to the stars.
