MY MOM DESTROYED ME
Are we nothing but mice in a daily routine? Let me explain myself, because I see everyone rolling their eyes and throwing their hands in the air like they’re stuck in traffic and there’s a storm outside that's gonna make their car row away into the cliff. Today I had a morning shift at the place where I work. I’m used to working the nightshift for context. So I was thrown off. And while I’m at work and doing what I’m meant to do there, which is work, I found myself stuck. Contemplating running out of the building and not coming back for nobody, not even a prince. My mind is coddled. This girl I work with asked me for like 6 things while I was working today. She wanted a cookie then a coffee and then that was it, but I just couldn’t wrap my mind around why she couldn’t get her ass up and get it herself. She's super nice too, so I was thinking, have you been nice this whole time just so you can cash it in for things when you need them. I have never asked for anything at work. Granted I am not nice. I am a monster and I roar and growl at people if they get too close. But even if I was nice and pooped jolly ranchers, I wouldn’t dream of asking people to do my dirty work. So this individual asking for all these things, left me in a loop. Something new in my life is letting rage win. In the past I would look at the bright side and figure everything works out in the end. If I fall down a hill, I figure I’m harvesting the land perhaps. If someone throws trash at me I could use the materials for forts and campfires. Today If someone throws trash at me I find the thing they love most and I inflict immense amounts of pain toward that person or object. I’m kinda becoming a grouch and it comes from a place of wanting to feel something. My life feels like no control. I’m about to pee my pants. I feel stuffed to the brim in my stomach, but my brain tells me there's still room and I can’t control the urge to eat everything in sight like I’m pac man. Sidewalks are narrow. I’m bumping into people with my big bag and swaying arms. All of these negative attributes. I need to scream! Someone needs to feel this too. I don’t want anyone to die, though. Let me tell you a story about my mom. Shes like all moms. She gave me the birth I wanted and at one point she put pieces of glass in my mac and cheese. Apparently by accident. She was like any other average mother. But she would laugh at my pain sometimes like I was some loser. So today while she goes through her divorce and midlife crisis, she was having an episode. Freaking out about packing up all my dad’s stuff. I laugh a little because wanted her to feel what I felt all those years ago. She ended up cursing me out and left the house. Then she started having a boxing class in the garage with the leftover cardboard boxes. I eventually started crying because I was scared what would happen if she ran out of cardboard boxes. Am I next? I could definitely defend myself, but still, with all her rings it might be close. The reason I tell this story is because a person can only take so much when their whole life is a phycologist’s dream case study. I’m 23 and I feel like cynical, which is bad because most people’s cynicism doesn’t kick in until they’re 30 and their youthfulness starts to leak out the bottom. I’m still very perky and my disposition has the potential to be perky too. But I just keep thinking about that bitch who asked me for all the cookie and that whole thing about her asking for the coffee also. I bet she doesn't even know what disposition means and that it has to do with farming. There's a voice there though. There in my head that whispers little reasons to keep my chin up. posture. Wrinkles A smile takes less muscles then a frown. Nobody wants to have sex with a grouch. I don’t want to have sex today personally. Or even this week. I’m visiting my grandma this week and she isn’t one for having sex with younger people. But the fact that I could have sex easily if I just let the grouch go. That thought makes me need to change my pants.
