The dragon that made me pee my pants
The dragon who once told me I was prophesied to forever be a bagger at a grocery store, I’ll forever be proving wrong. I was young when he came to me in a dream. It was during a time when I bought these red and blue pills on the internet to help me become lucid in my dreams. I kinda wanted to fly in my dreams, kinda wanted to try strawberries from Japan, but most of all I wanted to be able to have sex with the people I desired on command. I wanted sex so badly from the 17 year olds boys I went to high school with. I was also 17 when I was doing these things and wanting these things, so it shouldn’t be a crime to repeat what my mind thought of in the past. Everybody was attracted to the teenagers that were their same age at some point and they inevitably grew out of pediphilia as they became 18 they only wanted sex from 18 plus year olds. Even though some people did not grow out of pedephilia, it's ok because those are the people currently running our country and they know best. I wouldn’t even know how to multitask and run a country while simultaneously getting head from a child sweatshop worker living under my desk. I don’t even have a political science major. Back to what I was talking about with dreams and dragons. The pills never allowed me to be lucid enough to find those kids and fuck them, but they did give me some of the strangest dreams I have had thus far. The one that stood out in particular was one where a dragon came to me, like from Chinese new year. It engulfed me in flames and my skin started melting. He repeated over and over the prophecy that I would always be meant for bagging groceries. I don’t know what Chinese New Year dragons represent. Like if they’re for the rich only or if they’re for evil and treacherous rickety bridges on the way to save the princess, but I wet the bed that night, regardless. It all felt like bad luck. I tossed the pills and changed my sheets trying my darndest not to get caught, but my mom can smell pee from miles. She knew nobody had given her a golden shower in weeks and all the pets were vacationing in Rome with the money they earned from their nice jobs, not bagging groceries. Meanwhile I’m stuck jobless, with wet sheets and a mom about to let me have her back hand. She storms in and immediately exclaims: “AGAIN!? I thought we were done with this!?” I had wet the bed for years. Now I was a freshman and my mom was hoping that my new title as a freshman would leave me with fresh sheets, but she seemed mistaken. I tried to tell her about the dragon who engulfed me in flames, but that just made her shake and shake me until I bit my tongue and started bleeding. She wanted me to feel pain, but don’t you kinda think maybe, I don’t know just maybe if you open your mind up enough to think about what the truth and the reality of the situation was: I HAD ALREADY BEEN THROUGH ENOUGH. My mom snatches the sheets from me whispering under her breath that I don’t even have the sense to wash the sheets myself, but that’s exactly what I was in the laundry room doing. I wasn't spending time there staring at the ironing board. Though my mom could probably use a couple sessions with the ironing board smoothing out some of those wrinkles. She goes to grab the detergent for the soiled sheets and finds it completely empty. She looked at me like it was my fault, but it wasn’t! The most laundry I had done up to this point was using cheat codes to get unlimited money in club penguin, which isn’t really any type of laundering if you take the time to fold out the details. Mom mom sent me to the grocery store to get more of the cheapest bottle of Arm and Hammer I could find. When I was at the check out I dropped the huge container on the floor. The noise it made was that of three cannons echoing in the Grand Canyon. The entire store goes hushed. I dropped it low to pick it up and when I picked the 30 pound container with ease the worker came over to ask if I was ok and needed help with the huge container. I said no, I’m pretty good with heavy things. And in that moment I felt a fiery heat on my neck as she took a step closer and explained that they are currently looking for people comfortable with heavy lifting to hire as bag people, I screamed louder than SIX canons echoing in the Grand Canyon. I ran for miles eventually getting lost and had to call the police on a payphone to get me home. The dragon prophecy seemed to be correct and my mom will never be proud of me. Today I continue not having a job out of fear that somehow it will lead to me becoming a bagging person at a grocery store. That is, until a few days ago. I was home with my mom and I had a guest in my room with a dragon tattoo, who was giving me a golden shower. In the morning when I went to change the sheets we were out of detergent. I go to the grocery store to get more and it's the same person who offered me the bagging job all those years ago. I’m very socal and I comment on how they’re still here working away. They respond and explain that they love the work. They started as a bagging person and now they’re a manager earning benefits, 100k salary and donut parties. The second I heard I thought of all my preconceived notions. I always thought the bagging people were losers and a waste of air, space, and donuts. Come to find out, they get donut parties of their own!? I started picking up everything off the floor. I picked up stray pennies, trash cans, a car in the parking lot. The woman was so impressed with the strength in my legs she took pictures of them and saved them on her phone. I immediately got the job and I finally realized: Sometimes dragons aren't bad. Sometimes they’re real.
